Christians are straight up FREAKS
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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