I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
