I wish my penis had an off switch
Please, let me fuck your mom
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
