he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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