Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
