dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
