She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
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I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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