Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
