So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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