it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize