Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
