Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
