The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
