I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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