eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
so let's talk penis.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Randomize
