If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
