Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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