Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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