Jerry, you need to find god
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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