Pappa wants mamma naked
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
