Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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