Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize