Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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