Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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