I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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