My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The beer is more important than you right now.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
