actually, I'm a sock model
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
