The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
