Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
So many bounce houses so little time
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
