I'm going to jail i love you
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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