i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Randomize
