I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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