It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
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