2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
