Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
