i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
