i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I just found puke in my bra..
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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