just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize