Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
