You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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