Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
