The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Randomize
