why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
