I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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