just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
