We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Randomize
