I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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