So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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