cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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