I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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