She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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