It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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