Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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