i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
