U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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