have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
