A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
