Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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