I could make wine with my vomit
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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