I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Randomize
